Mallory Scorned
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory decides to take charge when she discovers she's been out of the loop on a lot of things. Particularly when she finds out Ron is dating someone else.


**Mallory once again took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness from my tiny little brain. **

**Mallory Scorned**

"Hello morons," Mallory Archer stormed into the Figgis Agency one morning. "Or as Elton John would say, The Bitch Is Back!"

"You're **still** coming in here?" Cheryl asked confused.

"I was going to say the same about **you!**" Mallory snapped. "But I am the head of this agency…"

"Technically not," Cyril interrupted.

Mallory ignored him. "And as much as you think I've been slacking off I know how to keep on top of things!"

Just then Milton and the mail robot scooted by. "When the hell did we get a mail robot?" Mallory asked.

"Quite a few things have happened since Woodhouse's funeral," Lana told her. "You're a little out of the loop."

"I've been **here!"** Mallory snapped. "I've come to the office plenty of times!"

"And every time you were smashed harder than pumpkins after Halloween," Pam pointed out.

"Not **every time**!" Mallory snapped.

"Do you remember **how many times** you've been to the office since Woodhouse's funeral?" Lana asked.

Mallory paused. "I know it's more than five…"

"Do you remember the party we threw at your apartment?" Pam asked.

"You threw **a party** at my apartment?" Mallory shouted. "Hang on…That explains the badminton nets I found."

"That was when you were on the Lemons," Pam remarked. "You were really out of it that day."

"I couldn't have been that bad," Mallory waved.

Lana then took out her phone and showed Mallory a picture. "Oh **really?"**'

Mallory blinked. "I don't remember a conga line."

"It was a really bitching party," Pam grinned.

"Mallory," Lana sighed. "I get you're upset. What with Archer being in a coma. Woodhouse's funeral."

"Not to mention your husband kicking you to the curb," Pam added.

"Then why **did **you?" Mallory growled.

"Mallory you are taking drugs and alcohol at a level even Hunter S. Thompson would think twice about consuming," Lana said. "You are out of control!"

"Lana I am perfectly in control of my faculties," Mallory sniffed.

Then Lana showed her another picture. Mallory did a double take. "When did I go on Space Mountain?"

"Same weekend of the party," Pam nodded. "I like the picture of you on the Dumbo Ride better."

Lana showed it to Mallory. Mallory did a double take. "Well that explains that dream I had about riding a flying elephant on safari. And why I was wearing Mickey Mouse ears when I came to."

Mallory did another take. "I remember something now…Annoying happy children, singing the same song over and over and over…And…It was horrible…The horror! The horror!"

"We put you on the It's a Small World ride," Pam said. "Three times."

"Dear God!" Mallory screamed. "What were you idiots trying to do? Kill me?"

"Eh," Cheryl admitted with a shrug.

"Typical," Mallory glared at her. "Okay aside from some small slips…"

Ray then showed Mallory his phone. _"Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go?" _Mallory's voice was heard.

Mallory paused. "I was **Jimmy Durante** drunk?"

"So that **is** a thing," Ray mused. "Yes. You and Cheryl were."

"Okay **that's** a bit disturbing," Mallory groaned. "When you get Jimmy Durante drunk you **know **that's a problem. What the hell was I on?"

"A bottle of absinthe and some tiger tranquilizers," Pam told her.

"Bad combination," Mallory winced. "Good to know…"

"Jimmy Durante drunk is a **thing?**" Lana asked.

"Mostly among people my age yes," Mallory sighed. "Look I get it. I've been distracted with Sterling. But I have a business to run…"

"Technically **my business**," Cyril added.

Mallory ignored him. "And I can't waste all my time sitting by his bedside!"

"Technically you **haven't**," Pam spoke up. "You did get your nails done like the first week he was in a coma."

"I already made the appointment a week **in advance**!" Mallory snapped. "And it was only for a couple of hours! It's not like Sterling woke up!"

"You spent some time going to County Day with Lana," Cheryl added. "And the stupid toddler with stupid toddler school stuff."

"It's called being a good grandmother!" Mallory shouted.

"You actually **know** something about that?" Ray snickered.

"More than you, you bionic bitch!" Mallory snapped.

"Then there was all that HOOF business," Lana added.

"You're the activist! Always saying I should get involved!" Mallory snapped. "I got **involved**!"

"You also got involved in a few fights with your neighbors," Pam said. "Including the one where you threw that dinner party that poisoned them."

"Accidentally!" Mallory shouted.

"Then there was that house you bought which turned out to be a dump," Cyril added.

"I'd forgotten about that," Pam said.

"How could you?" Cheryl asked. "It was such a lovely fire."

"I bet Ms. Archer forgot all the times she got drunk," Pam added. "And arrested."

"The charges were dropped!" Mallory snapped. "Just shut up!" She stormed into the breakroom.

"Didn't you go on a cruise or something?" Pam asked.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.

"Ooh, making Ms. Archer feel guilty," Cheryl grinned. "I think I found a new hobby."

"And a new reason for Ms. Archer to actually burn the place down," Ray remarked.

"By the way," Mallory asked as she returned with a bottle in her hand. "When did we get a pinball machine in the break room?"

"Pretty much around the same time we stole that champagne bottle you're holding," Ray pointed. "Actually, that was before we got the pinball machine. And the Space Invaders game Krieger moved to his lab."

"Do I even want to know?" Mallory sighed.

"Honestly…" Lana sighed. "If you do, you might be charged with an accessory after the fact."

"We blew up a guy," Cheryl grinned. "Don't worry. He was already dead. Of course, he did kind of OD on the drugs and alcohol Pam and I gave him. Then there were all those other dead guys…"

"I've changed my mind," Mallory groaned as she went into her office. "Now I think I am better off if I **don't **know anything."

About twenty minutes later…

"And I also tried making money as a freelance driver," Pam kept talking to Mallory while they were in her office. "But that didn't end well. Especially after I got us lost around the Grand Canyon and got involved in a drive by shooting."

"Did I ask?" Mallory snapped. "Did I **ask?**"

"No, and I find that to be quite hurtful," Pam said.

"I can find **other things** to be hurtful," Mallory growled as she took a drink. "Look I need to figure out how we can get money into this agency…"

"Besides Cheryl paying us to do crazy shit?" Pam asked. "And on top of that an extra twenty-five thousand smackers to watch her cat house?"

"Her _what now?"_ Mallory did a double take.

"I'm not talking about prostitutes," Pam said. "I'm talking about **actual four-legged** **cats.** See one of Cheryl's batty relatives left it to her with the stipulation that the cats live there and she watches them. Well she pays us to watch them."

"Hang on," Mallory stopped. "Are you telling me that Cheryl is paying this agency an extra twenty-five grand a month to watch over a mansion in Beverly Hills filled with **cats?"**

"Mostly stuffed cats," Pam said. "Only two or three are real."

"Two or three?" Mallory asked.

"We bring Schnuckiputzi in sometimes," Pam said.

"Krieger still has _that thing?"_ Mallory blinked.

"As far as I know," Pam said. "Haven't seen it in a while but still…"

Mallory sighed. "Do we have **any **other clients **other** than Glue-ia Ward How The Hell Has That Bitch Survived All These Years?"

"Well," Pam sighed. "There is that New California Secession movement that occasionally pays Cyril a hundred dollars to do some legal consulting. That happens at least once every two weeks."

"Wonderful," Mallory groaned. "That should keep the office in bearclaws."

"You would think that but no," Pam said. "I've also been selling some items online. Mostly stuff I get from stores going out of business. It brings some money in."

"And how much do you spend getting this crap in the first place?" Mallory asked.

"Not that much," Pam answered.

"We're talking five fingered discount, aren't we?" Mallory groaned.

"And a few fire sales," Pam nodded. "By which I mean Cheryl caused some actual fires…"

"In other words, we're competing against the black-market selling crap nobody wanted in the **first place**!" Mallory groaned. "Do I want to know how much of a disaster that is?"

"Actually, I'm doing pretty well on that front," Pam said. "A lot of times I just make up shit about how some celebrity owned something. And they buy it!"

"Something tells me the authorities won't buy it if they find out what you're doing," Mallory groaned.

Pam went on. "Then there's the online college Krieger made up. It's mostly some small videos and questionnaires. Pretty basic stuff. Brings in at least two hundred dollars a week."

"Krieger created **a college?"** Mallory did a double take.

"An **online** college," Pam said. "No real regulation yet so…We're good."

Mallory admitted. "That's actually impressive. For a man who couldn't even get into Grenada. How long has **this** been going on?"

"Quite a while actually," Pam said. "We finally got some sponsors for Krieger's internet show. I mean it's not even a hundred bucks an episode but still…"

"Krieger has an _internet show_?" Mallory asked. "How long has **that** been going on?"

"A lot longer than we thought it would," Pam said. "We all tried breaking into the art world but that plan literally went up in smoke when Cheryl burned down the art gallery."

"Typical," Mallory groaned.

Pam went on. "On the other hand, it was her art gallery and the agency got some cash when we blamed faulty wiring instead of Cheryl burning it so…Oh and the only person who sold a painting was AJ. A hundred dollars."

"Further proof that the superiority of the Archer genes," Mallory sniffed.

"Cyril also tried to get us hired out as a focus group for an advertising agency," Pam added. "Didn't work out."

"Considering this group is anything **but **focused I'm not surprised," Mallory groaned.

"We even tried getting into the pot party catering business," Pam admitted. "But the only people we could get were Ron and his new girlfriend so…"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Uh are we not telling you that?" Pam asked.

"LANA!" Mallory screamed.

"What?" Lana sighed as she and Ray walked in.

"What's this I hear about Ron having a _**girlfriend?"**_ Mallory snarled.

"Oh shit," Lana groaned.

"I thought we agreed to **not** tell Ms. Archer about that!" Ray snapped at Pam.

"I **forgot** okay?" Pam snapped.

"You'd forget your own damn mouth if it wasn't attached to your…" Ray began.

"HEY! IDIOTS!" Mallory snapped. "I want to know about my husband having an affair if you don't mind?"

"Technically it's not an affair if you two are separated," Lana said diplomatically. "And you have tried to date other men."

"Unsuccessfully," Ray added.

Mallory glared at Ray. "I'd make a comment about **your** success rate with men, but honestly I don't have the time. What's this about Ron seeing another woman? How long has **this **been going on?"

"Well you have been out of the loop for a while," Pam admitted.

"How long?" Mallory snapped. "Who is she?"

"Tell her Pam," Ray looked at Pam. "You've told her **everything else**!"

"Remember the barbecue you crashed when you went to get your stuff from the house?" Pam asked. "And then you got into a fight with one of Ron's guests in the pool?"

"Yes," Realization dawned on Mallory. "It's that floozie isn't it? Samantha What's Her Name?"

"Depardieu," Lana told her.

"More like Depart When the Morning Dew Arrives!" Mallory snapped.

"Well they've been hanging out since then," Lana admitted.

"I should have **known,**" Mallory groaned. "I should have **known!** Any time there's a relatively available man around my age, every conniving slut within twenty miles zeroes in on him like he's the last piece of cheesecake in Florida!"

"Only this time the conniving slut isn't **you,"** Pam pointed out.

"She's not wrong," Ray said.

"Fine! If that's how he wants to play it!" Mallory snarled. **"Two** can play that game! It's way past time I was back in the dating scene! Let me get out my contact list and I'll show Mr. Ron Cadillac that nobody beats Mallory Archer! **Nobody**!"

"I thought you already went through your contact list?" Lana asked.

"That was for work," Mallory told her. "This is my personal contact list. Admittedly there is some overlap."

"Like page for page," Ray quipped.

"It's not **that bad!"** Mallory snapped as she pulled out a small black book from her purse.

"You've kept your dating black book in purse all this time?" Lana asked.

"What? There are some highly confidential numbers in here," Mallory remarked as she looked through. "You think the White House has changed its number?"

"_**What?"**_ Ray and Lana gasped.

"Never mind," Mallory waved. "The man's been out of office for years. They probably changed the number anyway for a new…Never mind."

"I don't want to know this do I?" Lana groaned.

"It's best you don't," Mallory said. "Besides there are **plenty** of men in this book who have been waiting for Mallory Archer to be back on the market!"

"Is Jackson Wainscott in that book?" Ray asked.

"Oh right," Mallory blinked. She took a pen and crossed out the name. "Good call."

"You might want to narrow down that list before you start calling," Lana suggested. "Just a tip."

"Here's a tip," Mallory said as she dialed a number on her phone. "Maybe **you **should get a love life before commenting on **someone else's!"**

"Burn!" Ray snickered.

"Hello Gussie!" Mallory purred into the phone. "It's Mallory…I…Oh. Who **is **this? Wait, since when did Gussie remarry?"

"Oh yeah he waited," Ray quipped.

"I see," Mallory said. "Well this is Mallory Archer and I was just…When did he have a heart attack? Which hospital is he in? Well there's no need to be snippy! I was just…Hello? Hello!"

"Dead end?" Ray asked.

"Technically no," Mallory shrugged. "I'll just put that one on the shelf. Let me go to another name."

Mallory made another call. "Hello? Victor? This is Mallory Archer. Who **is** this? WHAT? When did **he** get **married**?"

"She should have just used a fast pass like at Disney World," Pam quipped.

"So much for his promise to wait for me always! FORGET IT!" Mallory hung up the phone. "Cross **that **name off the list!"

"If at first you don't succeed," Ray chirped.

"Oh, go stick your face into a vat of man whores!" Mallory snapped. She made another call. "Bill? Bill! It's me! Mallory. Archer. Yes, you know me! How many people have you spent a weekend in Paris with? Hello? Hello?"

Mallory paused. "Who is this now? Oh. How long has he had dementia? I see. Sorry to bother you."

"A Len Trexler situation?" Pam asked.

"Pretty much," Mallory frowned. "Get out of here! I need to think while making these calls!"

"She needs to think **why** she's making these calls," Lana grumbled as they left. "And not make one to Ron!"

"I heard that!" Mallory snapped. "And you're not exactly Ann Landers when it comes to relationships!"

"This from a woman who still thinks she's the Jackie Kennedy of the Spy World," Ray muttered to Lana.

"I HEARD THAT!" Mallory shouted. "And I was technically **not** the Jackie Kennedy in my day thank you very much! I was more like a cross between Audrey Hepburn and a young Elizabeth Taylor! With a tad Grace Kelly thrown in."

"Really?" Pam looked at Mallory. "**That's** what you think? Talk about delusional."

"GET OUT!" Mallory screamed as she threw a glass at Pam.

"AAAHH!" Pam got out of the way before the glass hit the wall.

"Great," Mallory grumbled. "Now I'm not only out of a date at the moment. But one of my Stubends. I really should learn to buy in bulk."

Later that afternoon the gang was discussing the latest events in the bullpen. "Well what did Mallory **expect **Ron would do when she left?" Cyril asked. "Crawl on his knees and beg her to come back?"

"Why not?" Pam quipped. "That's what **you **did!"

"At least Ron had the balls to kick her out in the first place," Cheryl spoke up.

"I can't believe it took this long for Ms. Archer to figure out Ron was dating again," Krieger said.

"Her son is in a coma," Ray said.

"Please," Krieger waved. "Her son has been in surgery and she was hitting on the doctors."

"That's true," Pam nodded. "But she has been more distracted than usual. Maybe she's losing her edge?"

"GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" Mallory was heard shouting. And then the smashing of glasses.

"Sounds like she lost her mind," Cheryl giggled. "I **love** days like this!"

"I need a drink," Mallory stormed into the bullpen and straight to the bar. "And all the scotch in my office is gone! And my glasses."

"How'd the great manhunt go?" Pam asked. "Any luck?"

"Yes," Mallory groaned as poured herself a drink. "The same a fire hydrant has in dog park."

"Oh," Lana winced.

Mallory took a drink. "All my contacts are either dead, married, dead to me, have some kind of fatal or mental illness, in a coma…ironically…And in one or two cases still have a restraining order against me."

"That's not good," Ray remarked.

"I did have a nice chat with former senator Applebloom," Mallory admitted. "But since he won't get parole for another three years…"

"Mallory maybe you should call Ron and just **talk **to him?" Lana suggested.

"Forget it Lana!" Mallory snapped. "I'd sooner take advice from Ramona over here. That being said…" She looked at Ray.

"It couldn't hurt to give him a call," Ray shrugged.

"You have a point," Mallory sighed.

"**He** has a point?" Lana snapped.

"I'm going to go visit Ron," Mallory decided as she finished her drink.

"Or you can call him first!" Lana said. "He may not even be home! He could be at the track!"

"Or on some kind of vacation with his girlfriend," Cheryl added. "Or having sex in the kitchen…"

"You are **not** helping!" Ray snapped at Cheryl.

"I'm going!" Mallory stormed out.

"Come on Ray!" Lana said. "We have to follow her!"

"Why am I being punished?" Ray snapped.

"Well all go!" Pam said.

"To the Rush Van!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"Sure? _Why not?"_ Cyril said sarcastically as they left. "Why do **anything productive** when we can spy on Mallory and Ron's love life?"

"That's the spirit!" Cheryl cheered.

Soon the Rush Van pulled onto the side of the road on Ron's house. Mallory was still in her car, parked right before the driveway. "Mallory?" Lana asked as she walked over to her and looked in the open window. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Lana," Mallory said in a tight voice. "Just fine. And apparently so is Ron!" She pointed to a pink convertible in the driveway.

"Maybe Ron's gone gay?" Ray asked weakly. "Or has a friend that's gay…"

"Or that's Samantha's car," Cheryl added. "And they're doing it. Right in your kitchen."

"Just because a woman's car is there doesn't mean that they are having sex in the kitchen," Cyril snapped.

"That's true," Cheryl said. "They could be doing it in the bedroom."

"Or on the couch in the living room," Pam added.

"Shut up!" Ray snapped.

"Just because there's a pink car in the driveway doesn't mean a woman is in there," Krieger pointed out.

"I don't think Ron has turned gay," Cheryl said. "I'm pretty sure there's a woman in there doing it with him."

"You don't know that!" Cyril snapped. "Shut up Nancy Screw!"

"Mallory before you go in," Lana suggested. "Maybe we should go in first?"

"To warn him," Ray said. "You really should have called first."

"Oh, he needs a **warning,** does he?" Mallory growled. "HERE'S A WARNING RON!"

VRRRRRROOOOOOM!

SCREEEECH!

CRASH!

"Or she could do **that,"** Ray blinked as Mallory sideswiped the pink car and deliberately crashed the car into the side of the house.

"Come on!" Lana shouted as they all ran inside.

They saw Ron and another older man in what was left of the living room. And half of Mallory's car. "COME ON OUT YOU FLOOZIE!" Mallory snapped through the dust.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY BITCH?" Ron snapped as he stormed up to her.

"WHERE IS SHE? WHERE…?" Mallory did a double take. "Who the hell is **this?"**

"This is Mike Wozniacki," Ron pointed to an older man standing next to him. "He's a friend of mine from New York! He deals in antique cars!"

"So that pink convertible Ms. Archer sideswiped is your car?" Pam asked.

"You sideswiped **the car**?" Mike shouted. "That was supposed to be an anniversary gift for my wife!"

"What?" Mallory blinked.

"I was in town and picking it up from one of my contacts," Mike said. "When I decided to drop in on Ron to see how he was doing!"

"Well he can see all right!" Ron shouted. "AND SO CAN THE DAMN NEIGHBORS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MALLORY?"

"My brakes went out..." Mallory covered.

"YEAH RIGHT!" Ron shouted. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST **CALL ME**?"

"Told you," Lana and Ray said at the same time.

"Jinx!" Ray said to Lana. "You owe me a drink!"

"AND YOU OWE ME A GOD DAMN WALL!" Ron shouted at Mallory.

"I am so glad we saw this!" Cheryl laughed.

"Me too!" Pam agreed.

"Yeah that's just what they need," Ray sighed. "More witnesses for the divorce lawyers."


End file.
